Very soon, Gary and I will travel to Kenya to debrief our large and fabulous Squad of World Racers. We will then fly down to Swaziland to join Seth and Karen Barnes for a vision trip…I am counting the days until we can love-on our team, teach them, encourage them and breathe life into their weary souls. I can’t wait to see Pastor Gift and his family in Nsoko, or see my little sister Kriek Gerber and giggle with her, like only sisters can. I am craving a huge bear hug from my brother and hero, Jumbo Gerber. I am looking forward to our time with Seth and Karen; they are dear friends and amazing people.

To be completely honest, our time since we have returned from Swaziland nine months ago has been one of our most difficult seasons as a family. Mind you our Tribe has faced death, divorce, harassment, loss, and devastation in our nine years together….Dare I say moving home to the most amazing country in the world from one of the most devastated countries in the world, has nearly killed me? That does not make much sense now, does it? Our parents live here, and we are very close to them and love them deeply, we also love Colorado and call it “home”….so what is the deal?

One difficult thing has been the judgment that shocked and hurt us deeply upon our return. We all have found we just don’t fit in anymore. We feel like outsiders, regardless of what people do, or don’t do. When we left for Swaziland our kids were young, and our teenagers where still dependant on us for everything. In Swaziland we had dinner, breakfast, and many times even lunch together as a family. Now, everyone is working, playing sports or just running. Friends and activities have taken precedence over family time. We got sucked back into the whirlwind of America in 15 seconds flat. The spiritual funk that covers this great country covered our minds and blinded our eyes in no time at all…

Attending Church is another conflict we have dealt with. Worshiping with passionate believers that are desperate and hungry for the power and presence of God is a vast contrast to most of our local mega churches. We have a hard time sitting still and listening to ear tickling messages, flashing lights, disco balls and entertainment.

If I sound pessimistic, I apologize, if I sound like a victim, forgive me….I do not feel like one. If I sound like I want to leave this Country, or do not love it, nothing could be further than the truth….I would gladly lay down my life to serve this Land. The only way I can explain it is this; for 14 months we saw life through the eyes of the sick, the poor, the orphan and the widow. Now, our eyes can not see life any other way. This does not make us special, blessed, or better than, in fact I would not wish how I feel on anyone….it is painful, very painful. At the same time, I welcome the pain, and I wouldn’t remove this pain from my children even if I could, it is making them who they are. I am thankful for the pain, and I want to use it for the Kingdom, for His Glory.

Despite the war, our family is still very close, if not closer because we are all in this together. We gather in our home several times a week with other “messy” believers who crave relationship over religion, and most of the people that fill our home are broken in the same way we are. Most of them, like us, just want Kingdom, but feel a little lost, and sometimes confused as to what that looks like in America.No, I do not think the grass is greener, I just know this Tribe is different now; we have been changed and will never be the same….. I think that is what is supposed to happen when you breathe the stench of death into your lungs, when you hold the forgotten in your arms. You realize how helpless you really are, and cry out for Mercy from the Throne of Grace to save those who can’t save themselves…..no, I guess I wouldn’t change a thing, after all…