My heart is heavy every time I talk to Gary; he is in Hong Kong debriefing our team. I first met these kids at training camp in Georgia in August. Their eyes were huge with wonder, and slightly intimidated by Gary (no one is ever intimidated by me!) We got to spend a week with them in Manila in September; they sat in the heat, and respectfully listened to hours of teaching. Without sounding too dramatic…they won my heart. For five days we talked, prayed, cried, and learned together…and they became my kids.

To serve my spiritual kids, means leaving my own six kids. One thing that was tugging at my heart was the realization that, no matter how wonderful the nanny’s that serve our children are; my kids still need their Mommy. Of course they miss their father, but dads are supposed to leave, to go off to work, that is just what dads do. Your mother, however, is just supposed to be there, to make your dinner, and to hear about your day, to make you hot coco when it is cold outside. Mommies were created to kiss your boo-boos, the ones on your knees and the ones on your heart. I don’t think what you need from your mother ever really changes, all of this is just as important when you are six and when you are eighteen.

When Seth, Mike, and Gary all blessed my decision to travel less, and focus on my own children, I was relieved, and filled with grief. My little ones (Caleb and Noah) were thrilled that Mommy was not leaving them, my big kids did not say as much at the time, but my 17 year old “tough-guy” has been sending me “I love you Mom” text messages randomly throughout this week.

I love teaching, I love traveling with my husband, I love the challenge, but mostly I love watching these kids come alive, and receive healing in their souls. I fear the racers will feel rejected by me, so many of them have been so hurt by leadership and mentors already. Not to mention, Gary and I are much more effective as a team than on our own. I know I am doing the right thing, but my heart still tugs.

I will feel torn either way.

This is the third time in my 18 years of mothering that God has asked me to lay down a dream, and serve my family. I am not sure what all this means, I am not sure why we have opportunities that seem like a gift from God, only to walk away from it, and serve HIM. in the most simple ways. Maybe that is the point.

All I know is, I have fought hard for the health and the well being of the family that God has trusted me with, and as far as I know, I only get one shot….So I am going to serve them all day, everyday. I will cover them, physically and spiritually. I will go to every football game, and make Emilie tea after school, and kiss all the boo-boo’s, inside and out….the rest is out of my hands, which is probably for the best.